


horizon line

by ADreamingSongbird



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Asexual Katsuki Yuuri, Coming Out, Fluff without Plot, M/M, Romantic Fluff, Supportive Victor Nikiforov, its just soft what can i say
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-21
Updated: 2019-06-21
Packaged: 2020-05-15 16:26:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19299430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ADreamingSongbird/pseuds/ADreamingSongbird
Summary: Looking out into the distance where the sea kisses the sky, it's easy to feel small, like nothing at all. Maybe it's just as easy to feel infinite.Or: Yuuri finally finds the courage to tell Viktor something he's been afraid to say.





	horizon line

**Author's Note:**

> written as a present for aza/reluctantlyback!!! i'm so sorry i took 5 years but i hope you enjoy this and thank you again!!!
> 
> warnings: internalized aphobia

It finally happens at the beach.

No, that’s a lie. It happens at the beach _too._ It happens at the rink, at the dance studio, and in the onsen. It happens once, terrifyingly, in Yuuri’s childhood bedroom, with all the empty walls staring down at him in judgment as Viktor kisses him, kisses him, kisses him.

It’s the same every time: the thoughts start swirling in his mind, and the anxiety bubbles up in his stomach, writhing and roiling until he can’t enjoy Viktor’s innocent hand on his shoulder or arm around his waist, because what if what if what if _he’s not enough he’s never going to be enough,_ and then he jerks away and has to mumble some kind of excuse before fleeing to chase down silent, desperate solitude.

And this time is no different.

It rained hard and heavy last night, so today’s morning sun is filtered through lingering wisps of cloud, and the air is light and clear with the scent of the sea breeze. It’s not too hot, especially not this early in the day, and a few lone gulls wheel high overhead.

Viktor has a parasol, because of course Viktor has a parasol, and as they walk barefoot in the sand, he hooks his arm about Yuuri’s waist and smushes a kiss to his cheek. “My Yuuri is quiet today! Still sleepy, hmm?”

Yuuri hums a noncommital response. They held hands on the walk here, until Viktor got out his sunshades and decided he needed the parasol, and then he wanted to hold Yuuri closer, and…. and he _likes_ being close to Viktor. That’s the scary part.

He doesn’t want to lose this.

And he’s probably making a bigger deal of it than it has to be. He knows Viktor would never hurt him, so all he would _really_ have to do would be lie there, right? It doesn’t have to be a big deal.

(Except that the idea of having to live his entire life knowing that he’s lying, that he’s not _really_ enough for Viktor and never could hope to be, makes him want to sink into the sand and disappear, and the idea of having to just _lie there_ and let Viktor use him makes him positively nauseous.)

“Or is something on your mind?” Viktor’s voice drops a little, low and quiet to let Yuuri know he’s serious, and Yuuri nearly trips over his own feet. “Yuuri?”

There’s a little tremor in Viktor’s voice as he says his name, as if he’s the one who has to be afraid here. As if Yuuri would ever reject him, push him away, declare him not good enough. Yuuri looks up at him despite himself.

“I…”

“I know there’s something bothering you.” Viktor meets his eyes for a moment, or at least Yuuri thinks he does, because his shades are dark and inscrutable and he can’t tell what Viktor is thinking behind them. “Something about us, specifically. And… I just want you to know that if you don’t want—if you—no matter what you decide you want to do, what you want us to be to each other, I won’t think less of you, so if… you’ve been afraid to tell me…”

In a year’s time, Yuuri will be able to think back to today and realize that the reason Viktor’s holding him desperately close is that he’s terrified. That he’s scared sick that Yuuri’s been going along with his affection out of a sense of obligation without truly wanting it, that Yuuri’s _never_ wanted it, that Yuuri’s fed up with him and about to break up with him. In a year’s time, they’ll both be able to look back at themselves and laugh.

In the moment, however, Yuuri is certain Viktor knows. Viktor _knows_ he’s not interested in sex and he doesn’t want to have sex and the entire Eros routine and his “seduction” is all fake—

(Except that it’s not, and there’s a difference between finding the confidence to acknowledge that he can make himself appealing and flat-out wanting sex, and he knows it.)

—and he’s trying to let him down gently.

Suddenly, the arm around his waist feels like a shackle, and he can’t quite remember how to breathe.

“Viktor,” he starts.

Viktor cuts him off, voice soft. “I thought I asked you to call me Vitya, didn’t I?”

“I—I thought you wouldn’t want me to, anymore, after I—because of what I’m about to say,” Yuuri stammers out, shame heating his cheeks. Why is Viktor still holding him? If he knows, why hasn’t he left yet?

“You think whatever you’re about to say is going to destroy any connection we have to each other, whatsoever?” Viktor’s arm stiffens around him, and finally falls away. Yuuri suddenly misses his touch with a fierce, surging desperation. “Alright. Then say it.”

“I don’t want to have sex!” Yuuri bursts out.

Viktor stares at him for a moment. The gulls overhead wail into the morning breeze.

Viktor slowly pushes his sunshades up into his hair, and then the full force of those piercing blue eyes drills directly into Yuuri’s soul. “Excuse me?”

“I said, I don’t want to have sex.” Yuuri clenches his fists in the hem of his shirt and stares over his shoulder at the sea, unable to meet his gaze. “I—I don’t have—I’m asexual, and I just—I don’t think I like it, because I tried once with a girl I met in Detroit but it just didn’t—and it’s not her fault either, it’s just—it’s me, I think, and I d-don’t think I can change it and it’s just how I am and I’m sorry and—”

“Yuuri,” Viktor cuts in, his voice suddenly so gentle Yuuri wonders if he misheard. “Yuurochka, darling. You think I would hate you for not wanting to have sex?”

Yuuri squeezes his eyes shut against the tightness in his chest and bows his head. “I… don’t know. Maybe. Not—not that you’re shallow and only interested in—it’s just _me._ I… it’s…”

Viktor’s fingers cup his chin and tip his face up, still slow and gentle. “Oh, Yuuri, no.”

He presses a soft, lingering kiss to Yuuri’s forehead, then strokes his cheek. Yuuri opens his eyes in surprise and looks up at him, uncertain. “You… aren’t, um. Mad?”

“Mad?” Viktor blinks. “No, of course not. I think I just understand you a little better, now,” and his thumb caresses a little circle over his cheekbone. “This is why you kept running away, isn’t it?”

Yuuri bites his lip and nods. “I didn’t know how to say it. I’m sorry. I thought maybe if I just ignored it you’d never have to know I’m like this and… I don’t know.” Now that he’s trying to say it out loud, _I could just lie there_ sounds sinister and warped. It didn’t seem so wrong until he thought of how Viktor might react if he voiced it.

“Why would you think I wouldn’t want to know?” Viktor looks _worried_ now. As if anything about this has to do with him—he’s never done anything wrong here! Doesn’t he see that it’s all Yuuri? “Did I do anything that made you feel like I would be upset with you?”

Yuuri shakes his head quickly. “I just—I feel like I’ve been cheating you this whole time,” he mumbles, squeezing his eyes shut and dropping his head to Viktor’s shoulder so he doesn’t have to meet his eyes. “Because we’ve been working on Eros and you said to _seduce you_ and I just—it’s fun, and I love it, but I can’t—I can’t be that person off the ice, I think.”

“That person is your _character,_ ” Viktor murmurs, and his hand comes to rest at the small of Yuuri’s back, like he’s protecting him. Yuuri doesn’t know how Viktor’s embrace still feels so safe, even when he’s terrified of Viktor’s rejection. “You don’t need to be the seductive woman from the story when you’re not on the ice, sweetheart. You just need to be yourself.”

Yuuri shifts, face pressed into his neck. “Even if _myself_ is… this?”

“Especially then.” Viktor smiles against his temple. “I like ‘this’ quite a lot.”

“Oh,” Yuuri sighs, and despite the worry still raging in his mind, his shoulders slump with relief, and his hands finally unclench from his shirt to settle tentatively on Viktor’s back.

“Besides,” Viktor muses, patting his back, “I think the confidence is still you. The character isn’t, and that’s okay! But the confidence in portraying that character? In knowing that you _can_ step on the ice and dance in a way that doesn’t let anyone look away? That’s you, Yuuri. Give yourself a little more credit.”

“I don’t want _you_ to look away,” Yuuri mumbles into his neck. “I want you to stay with me.” It doesn’t have to be forever. He can’t presume he has any claim to Viktor’s forever. But even just for a little while longer…

“I want to stay with you, too.” Viktor kisses his hair. “Just like this. We never have to do anything you’re not comfortable doing, dearest. You know that, right? You matter to me far more than whether or not I get to sleep with you.”

Yuuri makes a muffled, disgruntled noise against him and holds him a little more securely. Viktor has a habit of saying things that are very gay and very committed freely, off the cuff, and it makes Yuuri swoon on the inside. He so very desperately wants them to have forever, even if he knows that logically Viktor will leave after this season. “Mmph.”

Viktor goes still. “You know that, don’t you?”

Yuuri presses a little closer to him. “I… think so.”

Viktor sighs deeply and gives him a tight, tight squeeze. “This really has been eating at you, hasn’t it?”

Yuuri nods. “Sorry.”

“Why sorry?”

“I don’t know?”

When Viktor laughs, Yuuri can feel it rumble in his chest, and his arms are so warm and welcoming that Yuuri feels safe from the anxiety that’s been smothering him for weeks. He lifts his head and finally meets Viktor’s eyes, full of warmth and understanding, and then flings his arms around his neck and kisses him.

Viktor lets out a little surprised “Mm!” before kissing him back fervently. Yuuri can feel him smiling against his mouth, and it’s so sweet he could melt into a puddle right there in the surf, and only the need to cling to Viktor would keep him from being swept away like sea foam as the gulls circle and cry overhead.

When they break apart, Viktor presses a soft kiss to the corner of his mouth and admits, “I was afraid you were running away because you didn’t want this.”

“I do!” Yuuri cups his face. “I do. It just scared me, that I want this even though last time I tried to have a relationship with someone it just didn’t work, and that was _casual,_ and it still scares me sometimes how much I _do_ want this, Vitya, because I’ve never wanted something more but I was scared I’d already ruined everything just by being _me,_ and…”

“Yuuri,” Viktor murmurs, leaning down so his forehead touches Yuuri’s, and his fringe brushes against Yuuri’s eyelashes. “You haven’t ruined anything. There’s nothing wrong with you being the way you are.”

Yuuri tilts his head just a little more to steal another kiss, letting one of his hands tangle into Viktor’s hair. “You mean it? You don’t mind?”

“I promise.” Viktor seals it with another kiss. “Being the way that you are is enough.”

Yuuri wrinkles his nose and pulls back. “Did you just quote One Direction at me?”

“Baby, you light up my world like nobody else,” Viktor says, completely straight-faced.

Yuuri chokes on a laugh that bubbles up his throat and smacks his arm, stumbling back from laughter. “Oh my _god.”_

“You knew the song from one line, Yuuuuri!” Viktor pounces on him with delight, tossing his parasol to the wind and catching him around the waist with both arms to twirl him around and around in the sand. “You’re just as bad as me!”

“You’re worse!” Yuuri spins with him, still laughing as they kick up sea spray. “We were having a cute moment and you started quoting it at me! All I did was recognize what you were doing!”

“Awww, Yuuri!” Viktor beams and pulls him close, pecking the tip of his nose. “You think I’m cute!”

Yuuri smacks his arm again and snorts. “Of course I do! Why’s that news to you? I was just kissing you!”

“I’ll write a letter home right now,” Viktor says, squishing his cheeks. “Dear Mama, the cutest boy in the entiiire world just told me he thinks I’m cute—”

Yuuri tackles him into the waves before he can finish soliloquizing. It would be a tragedy, except that tragedies don’t involve both parties being unable to stop smiling.  



End file.
